Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
We're playing Edward Bottle-of-eight-dollar-sale-wine-hands now
he is the anna nicole to my 90 year-old billionaire. i'm grateful that he's fucking me, so i'm buying him shit.
She just passive-aggressively stripped in the kitchen while humming the theme to Doug.
This reunion sucks. All the confident hot girls from high school are still confident and hot, and none of the fat girls with low self esteem transformed into hot girls with low self esteem.
I was like wtf you can warn a girl like hey I have a huge dick and I fuck for hours
Someone google feeding your vagina Advil and Neosporin
i just tried to use a string cheese as a light source
It was just...long. I started around 2. And I think i went to bed around 2. So 12 straight hours? I remember a milkshake and frozen grapes.
An old white couple caught us smoking the foot long. THE LOOK ON THEIR FACES.
I wanna get high and watch Shrek tonight...don't make me do it alone.
I woke up in the basement of a pizza restaurant... I would say the tequila hit me pretty hard.
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
This is the nicest bathroom I've ever been drunk in. The urinal is gold.
You kept saying “keke” over and over so I slapped you then you proceeded to ask if I loved you. In case you’re wondering why you have a black eye - Lauren
If I look at him, he starts sobbing. Please come get him; he's scaring the cats.
Randomize
