i just woke up i smell like fire, i have bruises on both knees and one elbow, i have a lighter and nip of smirnoff blueberry in my bed, rug burn on one hip and about 12 pics of you and me on my camera-this needs to stop happening
yea ive got to shower which is going to be painful given the skin burns from the blowup obstacle course races last night
I think I am morally bankrupt
It's like a choose-your-own-adventure. But the adventure is already chosen for you. And it sucks.
Over it. He probably jacked off to bible verses last night. I don't want that
You lit the bowl with a rolled up paper towel that you ignited on the stove.
My professor just suggested making the state of the union more interesting by turning it into a drinking game. Brilliant!!
whatever it's my dick and i'll put it wherever i want
Her inability to understand the word "moderation" is the achille's heel of an otherwise perfect human
Well, my nose won't stop bleeding from really bad cocaine and my purse is full of plastic gold coins. Also, someone saved in my phone as "tyrannosaurus sex" won't quit texting me. Savannah won. Let's put it that way.
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
We accept all of your sexual lovers, Jewish, episcopalian, atheist. Dick is dick
Like if it it's practical for your sexual health I'm allergic to it AKA REGULAR CONDOMS
If everything else in my life fails, at least I just had one of my top orgasms
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
Randomize
