Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
This is so fucking sad. Netherlands isn't even a real country.
I have absolutely nothing sober to say to you.
i had to get the starbucks manager to open the bathroom door for me...you passed out on the floor, the things i do for you
Then you can skip the embarrassing can I date your ex since you're a lesbian now conversation
She's the perfect storm when it comes to psycho stalkers
The girl beside me at the laundromat is bitching a guy out on the phone for jizzing on her bedspread. She had to use a triple machine to wash it.
I command you to take a shot and dance like the pretty little gay boy you are.
We were walking home from Pluckers (read carrying your drunk ass) and out of nowhere you yelled "Say bitch you got a Facebook?" at a random chick walking by.
I just ordered $70 worth of pizza and I'm not even ashamed. Happy Valentine's Day to me.
Well supposedly when the cops came, they say I tried to get them in a conga line like Jim Carrey in The Mask. So....yea
He went down on me while I was on the phone with my grandma.
i woke up between my boyfriend and his sister and i don't know if we fucked or cried together
i told him the only way i'd fuck him was if he saved me during the zombie apocolypse and took me to a tastefully decorated yet impenetrable hideout.
Who the fuck puts glitter on their vagina? It’s all over my face and crotch.
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