i just saw my boxers from 2 days ago stuck in a tree 4 miles from my house
I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
He fingered me while we both sang the fresh prince theme song.
Marry him
You sent me a text calling me "cunt" while i was in the middle of dumping my bf.
So we're fucking tonight?
my phone cant type all the emotion im having
now that you've tased me I refuse to buy you flowers
I woke up in my living room, on the floor, wearing nothing but a fur coat?
No one ever gets any after sleeping with her. She is like the broken mirror of hookups, enjoy 7 years of blue ball. Don't say I didn't warn you
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
Yes dating, but it seems easier to just live in a perpetual state of Netflix, internet porn, and cheese.
Nothing says responsible like taking your birth control with an open bottle of wine you left on your night stand from the night before
I accidentally mass texted his dick pic. Not only to my friends, but to my dad as well...
I'm going to need to invest in some knee pads if I keep having nights like tonight
i passed out in front of ihop...for the second night in a row. i think i need to reevaluate my life choices
Dry spell is over and now I’m drowning in a river of dick. The dam broke and now half the dicks in DC are trying get in my skirt
It’s a glorious dick miracle!
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