im never drinking mad dog again and i have your belt.
you used progresso chicken soup as a mixer last night
We couldn't find any ping pong balls, so we used a fishing bobber. Could we be more country?
I remember saying "sorry" to the blunt before throwing it out the window
I was high enough to understand and function with 'flip' while playing brick breaker
Damn. I don't think I could ever be that high.
Oh just living the dream. And by living the dream I mean drinking franzia out of a martini glass and watching family matters. Also, drinking every time Carl Winslow has a mustache and Eddie wears MC Hammer pants
Just realized how many men I've had sex with for the first time in St. Patty's Day past. Currently sending "HAPPY SEXIVERSARY" texts...
Duuuude. Everything is so brilliant right now. This frosting is freaking orgasmic.
It's vanilla, man. Accept no substitutes. There are so many t's in that word.
Im so tired of dysfunctional exs fucking up my relationships with future dysfunctional exs
Tinkerbell just flew up to me and tickled my balls. What the fuck did we smoke?
I am in my freshman residence hall trying to convince an Asian man to give me my pants back. Never. Drinking. Again.
I would like to request a high five for getting laid while wearing crocs and a crab hat.
He told me he felt like he was just pistol-whipped by Testicle Man.
I can’t shake the image of her gigantic black unibrow. It’s like I got a blowie from Eugene Levy
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
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