a hangover this bad deserves a feeding tube
i decided to cut a 3rd hole in to my snuggie so i could masturbate all the time.. all time low? or genius?
Corey Haim died. 80's me is so sad
When I came in she was screaming "boundaries!" at the cat because it was trying to eat her pizza rolls.
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
Nothing gets you judged faster than having cum in your hair at the gas station.
BRILLIANT IDEA: In honor of summer olympics we need to start a synchronized drinking team.
I almost lit my balls on fire tonight.
My love will cover her like lulu lemon yoga pants. Casually supportive and always complimenting your Ass.
You need to come back and help me drink our beer so the fridge has room for the other beers
You texted me a picture of your face along with #help
So if I get kidnapped from my office and go missing for a few days does that count against my vacation days and do I still get paid?
Just got to Evans to buy weed. His mom showed up unannounced. Now the three of us are chillen. Super.
I've orgasmed four times in the past 24 hours. And my mom's dropping off cookies later
We christened the whole apartment and fucked on the balcony. It was amazing. I'm 100% sure downtown heard me climax. Now we can unpack.
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