4:33 am: Sleep on left side of my bed. T-shirts are second drawer on left side, boxers top right. I don't wake up when lights are on so feel free in my room..
And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
I'm good, just tired from chardonnay and giving hand jobs.
like what am i supposed to say "im thinking of how bad that sex was"?
ok now this is the second time he's reffered to recieving a blow job as 'getting his pee pee sucked'
Just threw up in a trash can by the ATM. Then pulled out money for weed.
im vomiting on the 4th floor cause no one knows me there
He kept singing "who's that peekin in my window" we thought he was high til we realized someone was lookin in the windows.
Just a heads up, the coffee pot is filled with Jager.
How do you get a black eye playing beer pong??
NEW RULE: NO INNAPROPRIATE CHOICES THAT INVOLVE GUNS. I LIKE IT. WRITE THAT DOWN.
I feel like a food baby is going to burst from my stomach and eat all the leftovers until another food baby rips out of its stomach. And so on. It's truly a merry Christmas.
To confirm, you are a grown ass man and you just asked me what her vag looked like.
Oh and an honorable mention for your father's porn collection. Things I'll never forget.
Randomize
