so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
Hello wreck, this is your train calling.
Thanks for last night. Sorry if i was obnoxious. I respect your morals and i wouldn't want you to lose your virginity to a drunk girl in your mom's prius.
I hijacked a bellboy cart and rolled into the party dancing on it
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
What changed your mind?
Being sober
I just read "to infinity and beyond" as "to infidelity and beyond" something is seriously wrong with my psyche
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
i just told him to get ready, because I'm going to be taking out my anger over the Super Bowl out on his penis.
NOBODY TALKS SHIT ABOUT PANDA EXPRESS
Once he bit me I drew the fucking line.
We should leave before they realize I dumped a bowl of Fritos in your bag just in case I got hungry
High me is so sweet. She left not-high me a fortune from a fortune cookie and 6 packets of soy sauce in my tampon drawer.
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
I know it's New Year's Eve but if you're going to have a bunch of chicks playing strip go fish in our apartment I need a heads up.
Randomize
