I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
omg i forgot michael madsen was in free willy this is the most epic movement of my stoned life
he said I was the best sex he's ever had, handed me a burger king crown and told me to take my walk of shame with pride
If the EMT's ask later... I had 5 hour energy for breakfast and Four Loko for dinner... It might be important for them to know that
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
Right when he gets off the plane they're going straight to a party where you're only allowed in with a bottle of whisky and they are given bullet proof vests.
Just call Katie. She's like the drunk whisperer; she can get them to do anything.
His roommates came in and started a dance party in his room while we were having sex. He said it wasnt the first time.
He's a huge toolbag douche loser with a below average dick who doesn't know how to treat a girlfriend. He was my rebound after Brady. It was a pitiful 1 month rebound "extravaganza"
That's why we don't trade sex for Taco Bell. It's called the dollar menu.
Just found dollar bills in my sheets. What part of the weekend am I forgetting?
i want to shrink myself down to penis size, climb inside of her pussy and just live there for a few months.
It's the kind of dick you travel across the country for
Left my house last night with a girlfriend, $200 in my wallet, and 10 finger nails. Came home with no girlfriend, an empty wallet, and 9 1/2 finger nails.
Yea, I had a bad night too aha
He gave his liver a pep talk before the vodka chugging started
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