Which one of you FUCKERS filled the toilet with soil and planted my mothers daisys in it? NOT FUCKING HAPPY
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
i love insurance, just had an iv with 4 bags of fluid, 2 shots of finagrin and a 2 hour nap . woke up without a hangover. all for $20
she has tattoo'd to her hips "grip here" this is why they made spring break
I'm thinking about that time I was in a trashbag and you spray painted my hair yellow
On the brightside though, I found the motivation to clean my shower, it was right underneath my need to masturbate in said shower.
I'm giving you a get out of sober free card for one of the nights
Oh my Christ. I just came so hard my penis stood back up and took a bow afterwards. I need Thai food.
They actually said and I quote "it definitely looks like your knees went through some over usage"
Dude, I puked in the stall for God knows how long. Halfway through, a kid sits down in the stall next to me and starts jacking off, i heard the porn on his phone and everything. so FYI, the middle stall is where good nights go to die
Would I waste your time for mediocre porn?
Drunkenly tried to auction off Merik's pancakes at Ihop. Apparently I make a great auctioneer. Also, no one wants 30 cent pancakes.
Had the best sex Thursday night then Friday night I met his girlfriend. The worst thing is we became friends like she gave me her number.
The sex was so good I feel like I could run a triathlon, hit big at the casino, and defeat ISIS.
But if you move out who will get drunk with me on the roof and yell at boys?!?
Randomize
