dude i woke up to her making a statue of my morning wood for her sculpture class. HOW THE FUCK do you think i feel about her?
Between the two of us weve fucked every guy at this table
Pretty sure that drunken football on the back porch with 6 guys with a champagne bottle was a bad idea....
Dude, its flawless. what could go wrong?
Jail. That could go wrong.
Bring my gorilla suit and my bong.
Oh its going to be that type of weekend?
Theres either a bag of coke in my pocket or a bag of anthrax, either way last night got way to serious
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
I remember you fighting a small man for the last of the pizza. Was there a midget in my house last night?
Last year you twerked on my Christmas tree and threw up all over the bathroom...in front of my parents. We should probably keep power hour to ONLY an hour this year
His life is a porno. He snapped me while banging a girl in the back of the ambulance.
Like why am I even still facebook friends with a guy I let finger me at a concert?
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
I'm in the recliner and i have a bottle of wine wedged in my cleavage, drinking from a straw. Clever and classy or pathetic and sloppy?
I have to lie to someone and move five gallons of fermenting alcohol across campus but after that i'll hit you up 4 sho
still drunk.please come get me.he kicked me out because i couldn't stop laughing about passing out in the middle of taking his virginity.
Randomize
