just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
I tried to gradually lead her into my room but she wouldn't stop crying and quoting memoirs of a geisha
That ginger could cleveland steamer me and it would still be the best day of my life
you dont remember trying to break dance in the middle of the casino floor on ur own throw up?
oh that explains alot.
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
we drove through mcdonalds and ordered everything on the dollar menu. We told the workers that were making Super Size Me 2, drove away without paying and told them to bill our producer.
Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
haha the sad thing is i can't decide whats worse. the fact that you're drunk judging a science fair or the fact that i'm really proud of you for it.
The stoned girl at the dining hall just handed me a single chicken wing and insisted that she's "unable to procure more rations"
Two dudes. Loud music. Dancing shirtless possibly naked. Why would I ever need cable?!
I've been trying to brush my teeth for 20 mins now... Mother of hangovers.
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
Leave it to me and my dad to puke on the same guy at the same bar 25 years apart
There is a cooked ham in the washing machine.
Definitely went down on him last night while he was wearing a cape. He randomly kept swirling it around me and "revealing me" in the mirror like a magic trick. I'm not even a little upset, it's fun fucking younger guys.
Randomize
