she needs to learn to take compliments like she takes dicks.
He wants to be 'in an open relationship'. Fuck that. That's the online equivalent of letting him pee in a circle around me.
Fell off bed. Face first. 10 stitches. huge scar on forehead. totally going to start telling ppl my parents died fighting Voldemort.
you should give me head with plastic fangs in
do you guys have 30-35 shot glasses? because if not, i don't even see a point in me coming
Our logic class started an hour ago, I walked out and found my sister drunk, sitting down, eating m&ms, afraid to walk in... I want her life
the doctor said its the kinda of pregnant you dont recover from
you don't know what its like to have your bartender tell you that you owe him beer money infront of your mother at 3pm on a tuesday
I dont care what I am for halloween, as long as i'm not a father after
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
Who needs sounds of the ocean? I just fall asleep to whatever chubby he is banging next door.
I forgot to ask you how long you're housesitting. By which I mean how many bones can I get in averaging 2.5 bones per day.
20.
They live across the street from a school baseball field so they have porter potties across the street and let's just say that I'm grateful they exist
There are peanut butter donuts now. We are playing with forces we can't possibly understand.
Still drunk. lying on the floor just rubbing my cats nipples
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