I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
u know what's depressing? a picture of an owl without a graduation cap
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
So i closed my laptop as i started to fall off my bed and then i caught myself and realized that moment of catching myself is the difference between tuesday and friday.
She said I had the biggest dick she'd ever seen. And when you consider how many she's come in contact with, it's kind of like winning the heisman.
ok... i just had to be reminded that people in animal costumes were feeding me shots at the bar.
The bar owner gave me permission to push people into the pool. I'm never going to leave Los Angeles
uh, 3 redbulls and 400mg of caffeine pills and i still feel like life is in slowmotion..lets not take tranquilizers again.
Pregaming before going to drink with a girl from Russia. Please make sure I'm not dead in the morning.
We smoked speed and opium for the first time. ended up harvesting cucumbers with locals at 9am in a farmers field. Laos is fuckin crazy.
I don't know where he learned to eat pussy but I thought I was going blind
I sent two dick pics to a wrong number and one was in .gif format so it was helicoptering all over the place. I single handedly ruined a child's life.
I cnant read. Cheetos goen. Help. Grt Cheetos.
Did you hear about Miss Teen Delaware? From the snippet they played on the radio, I knew exactly what porn company it was from. Maybe I should cut back
He told me that if he broke my bed my bed durring sex he would take me to ikea, but only on Monday because it's all you can eat meatballs. I think I'm in love.
Randomize
