Like all of my pajamas are shirts of guys I shacked with in college
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
I'm already at the bar. It's 2 PM. Help
Dude, she puked up her Plan B, then reached in the toilet and re-swallowed it. That chick does NOT want a baby
When did our fuck buddy relationship, turn into me babysitting his dog?
Welp just pooped in a garbage can. Guess I'm not better than you at life in any aspect.
It's going to be so weird waking up tomorrow morning fully rested completely sober and not covered in piss or bruises.
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
No ambien sex tonight. I just ate two hotdogs with chilli and onions.
So my roommate just came out of the shower with a dude...guess that answers all questions as to whether or not he's gay
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
Once the overwhelming "oh god my crotch is on fire" wears off, that excite stuff is really nice
How drunk is too drunk to be on an airplane?
Just ate 2 pieces of pizza in the shower.. New low or fuckin brilliant??
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
Randomize
