I fuked that chick last night and she kept saying, "oh...oh....oh", like Bill Lumberg
so what did you do?
I did the mash I did the monster mash It was a graveyard smash!
Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
He's the biggest piece of shit to ever exist. He's not even wearing shoes.
I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
He spent the whole night convincing me I wasn't fat, but after we had sex he said "Oh, I see what you mean"
Just wandered into a surprise final. Only a surprise for me though. I wish I could say this is the first time this has happened.
So Ryan had to wash the dishes. His solution: take a shower with them. I'm never eating at his house again.
Just found out the guy that gave me herpes died. now everytime I get a flare up, it'll be like he's coming back to say hello
Alive...but barely. Had dinner with my parents tonight which was conveniently located near where i left my car, phone, and self respect
When I said 'i love my boyfriend' I didn't mean 'send me a picture of your penis'.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds
I dunno what's worse, the fact that I hooked up with a guy that shaves his armpits or that I didn't notice until he brought it up the next day
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
Fuck it, I'm going to make my own dick pic album since iOS 10 won't do it for me.
I jus want to remember tomorrow how proud I was tonight for wearing my rainbow leggings as a long sleeved shrug I feel like fucking MacGuyver
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