I know this may seem inappropriate, but are you gonna bring any blow to the wedding?
They thought we spoke German and French even though we just kept repeating "I give to you a cat" and "Are you drunk?"
Yeah but he's impersonating a gargoyle jumping off of everything. Including the walls.
Saw someone get laid in the bathroom no one was wearing shoes and I had a parrot on my shoulder...I never want to leave this bar
You said your face felt like it was made out out of boxes and kept asking me to give you a bath.
i would really love it if at least once per weekend i did not wake up to you half naked passed out on the floor
Indeed. Apparently I called my sisters and told them I wouldn't get arrested because it's not a real sword.
This bitch rocks a fuckin fanny pack and still manages to lose her phone at every thirsty thursday
Two shots of gin says this is gonna be a sloppy lab write up.
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
He started to lick a stick of butter and was calling it Jennifer.
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
Well that didn’t go as expected.
I mean, it ended in you giving each of them a blowjob, so it kinda did.
I’m sorry I pressured you for dick pics.
Life is clearly unfair. You remember Courtney has three older sisters, well they're all "make baby sister look like a four" hot. I knew I shouldn't go home with her.
Randomize
