Goal for tonight: Make one last drunken mistake for the semester.
super hot butfun
Oops. What a difference a comma and a space make.
he asked me to smell his eyeballs.
I don't know. I woke up in the back of a cab in a drive thru line at whataburger with police lights flashing and my friend yelling" you didn't have to sell us out phil!" to the cab driver.
I found a big gulp cup full of vomit in my freezer, are you behind this?
You had the genius idea to tape beer to the celing fan. There goes his security deposit. He is gonna be fuckin pissed.
Just peed in a urinal with another girl. It's that kind of night.
Nahh. Maybe not even a handful. It's more like a heaping teaspoon worth of dick.
Get your ass over here, we're drinking Patron and watching My Little Pony. Patron and Ponies, do you copy?!
Just had a threesome with a hot Turkish guy and an even hotter French lawyer. This what happens when I travel alone. You have only yourself to blame for this.
I feel like a pet sloth would complement my lifestyle.
He sent me a dick pic from work, but I could see all the pizzas in the background. Now I'm just hungry.
Woke up this morning with girl, I ask her for some gum. She says "there's a guest toothbrush for the boys in my bathroom". I can't decide whats worse, that she has a shack brush or that I actually used it
if you and your penis don't hurry up, I'm getting drunk without you.
I have betrayed my no carb ways & I can feel it.
Embrace it. Come over to the dark side. I'll feed you muffins while stroking your hair.
Randomize
