First order of business is dropping my 9 am gym class. I'm sweating pure vodka.
you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
yea, the bartender wouldn't serve you because you kept asking for "a slice of beer"
I promise a much better performance tomorrow than last night my penis has a bed time
You know just sitting here carrying on a conversation with a 5 yr old about why there is puke at the landing of the staircase
I still can't believe you had sex with someone who willingly went by Peaches.
I have vomit stuck in my nose, you should come with a warning label.
Everyone in the office is in total denial. I asked my boss what he did this weekend and he said "nothing much." But I know we were both thinking about the orgy.
We play beat the clock every morning. When the alarm goes off, she hits snooze and drops her panties. If I can't finish in time to beat the snooze, she jumps in the shower and I've gotta jerk off.
woke up to a family dragging me under their beach umbrella, they poured water on me bc they "thought I was dead" then fed me quesadillas and nursed me back to health... gotta love Cabo
Just trying to get my dicks in a row.
I yelled at the dude who smoked him up "YOU'RE THE REASON I'M NOT GETTING LAID" then went to bed. So yeah, I guess it was an ok night.
After the keg stand you collapsed, hit your head on the floor, started seizing and after 20 seconds got back up and said "hah, I remember my first beer"
I feel like my body was put in a dryer with rocks set on permanent press.
she walked through the crowd, completely naked, slapped a pool attendant in the face and stole the towel he was carrying. she used it to dry her hair.
Randomize
