That's what you get when you play shuffleboard drunk.
You taught me that having a dip while u shit is awesome. I appreciate u for that
Just dropped $150 at the liquor store. No power and two feet of snow has taken my alcoholism to another level.
No.. It's totally over.. He deleted the poke I sent him.. That makes it official.
I accidentally screamed the wrong name last night. He stopped for a second, said "fuck it, you're too hot to care," and then continued fucking me.
Just because we buy weed together doesn't mean were a couple
currently pooping in a public restroom while drinking free beer. there has never been a finer line between awesome and depressing.
Like, actually questioning if you ate dog shit last night
This conversation has now reached a level of awkward that even a passerby streaking hobo couldn't break.
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
He didn't call me beautiful but he came in less than five minutes so same thing, right?
Xanax and full house Tuesday is now Percocet Sunday
No we didn't fuck. He picked me up I asked where we were going and he said "I don't know if you've ever heard of a little place called Denny's?" He was completely serious. I told him to stop the car and I got out and called Jack.
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
Randomize
