I would like to thank collapsed soviet republics and fathers who didnt show enough attention for tonight's festivities
Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
something came early last nite... and lemme tell u it wasn't christmas...
My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
So he handed us the weed then asked us if we needed any papers. And she goes "i dont know what that means, do we need to sign something?"
he thanks me after handjobs.
you found the perfect man.
It's official. I am the proud owner of his very own sex tape. Amateur awesome porn or awful delete-me-now porn? Come over help me decide.
Found your dick twin last night
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
ALso, saw an adorable man walking an adorable dog with his adorable kid.
And yes, that last sentence is biased because my ovaries started screaming
I think I'm the only sober person in the whole bar. If you count drinking less than 10 tequilas sober.
why are there 3 differently sized panties on our kitchen counter?
It's rum buckets o'clock
Wine and a Lunchable. That would be depressing if it wasn't the pepperoni and mozzarella one. Those are the shit!
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
Randomize
