my weekend in 10 words or less: hot friend of a friend, open bar, beach house, sore. In that order too.
and that's when the elephants and penises started dancing on the ceiling
I make my boyfriend pay for half of my birth control. We call it his monthly rent.
I made popcorn. Partly so the room doesn't smell like sex, and partly to apologize for the things you saw when you walked in...
MEET ME OUTSIDE YOUR HOUSE IN THREE MINUTES. BE DRUNK. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
The van in front of me contains people having SEX. I am in full view of a SEX VAN.
But I just had this pork p�t�. It was dick grabbing.
Omg. I wanna lecture the drug dealer about how highschool should not be his glory days.
We have a vagina exchange agreement. Neither of us can hook up with any of our own law firm's summer associates. So we have a scout and referral program and invite each other to the other firm's summer events. Criss-cross!! Works every summer.
He told me he loved me and then peed his own bed. So at least it was a memorable one night stand.
I'm about to make existential crisis tacos.
She is getting high and watching the Hobbit. I want her life.
So she is basically watching her own life story: short people traveling to strange places.
if you go to jail tonight, call call me. i wanna get out of work
He started humming a moment like this when I was taking off his pants.
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
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