the fundamentals of my vasectemy are strong
She tried to keep her legs crossed last night while doing a keg stand. Way to keep it classy.
She begged me for sex again. I felt like I was telling a homeless person I didn't have any change.
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
In line at the grocery store. The girl ahead of me is in a wetsuit and just bought 3 cases of beer and a bottle of vodka. I want to go where she's going...
OK WHO CHANGED MY RING TONE TO LADY AND THE TRAMP AND CHANGED EVERY CONTACT IN MY PHONE TO 'SOME GUY I FUCKED'?
you put your hands over the taxi driver's eyes and shouted GUESS THE WAY TO THE CLUB
No. Dude. I didn't knoe it eas floibg to move. It's slepprru ixuy!
You decided it was too difficult to walk down the stairs so you just rolled across his kitchen floor laughing like a maniac and trying to drink at the same time
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
ETSY JUST SENT ME AN EMAIL WITH THE SUBJECT "SUMER ROMANCE" I'M BEYOND FUCKING DONE
Is it sad that I planned a a romantic trip to dunkin donuts for and with myself on Saturday, then added an equally romantic after midnight stroll through the half off candy sale? I find that worthy of adding a few cats to my collection agree?
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
Soooo I think my neighbor just saw me masturbating on my porch
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
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