The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
He dyes his hair, fake tans and lies constantly. What did you really expect from him?
A better fuck for starters.
there hasn't been a girl guy ratio this good since a guy jumped on one of the Titanic life rafts
i'm using a wine bottle as a spitter. how classy is that.
I love having hate sex.
Best. Four. Twenty. Ever.
You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
I'm applying temporary tattoos with green beer, this is the life.
i wanna pet his head its so fluffy. were gonna open a petting zoo
I sent her 8 pictures of my dick in a baked potato. Not sure how I thought that would get me laid later.
Just found an "inspected with pride" sticker on or around my vagina
i am one fart away from being 2 for 2 on this whole shitting my pants thing.
So why exactly are your shoes in my freezer?
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
11:30 and people are pissing in the sink. It's gonna be a good night.
Randomize
