if you can see her tanning goggle line that's officially a deal breaker
My piss changed color midstream. Think that means I have a 50/50 chance of passing the test?
She passed out on top of the bar. Still did body shots off her.
you cried when she wouldn't let you have her bathroom rug.
I want to apologize in advance in the event I put my boobs in your face
Do you remember anything yesterday that led to needing a cup of couscous in my closet?
I woke him up and he was mumbling something about it being moist, or he peed himself but it was okay.
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
Shit. I'm suppose to call the bank but I'm too high to talk numbers.
I would just like to go ahead and accept my slut of the year award.
It's like 10 times better than an Oscar
In the pie chart of my life, she is a huge part of why I drink.
I had sex while you were puking this morning and I'm sorry. Kind of.
It's ok. I had sex while you were drunk crying last night. We're even.
So far in 2016 I told someone id give them a blowjob for lasagna.
Last night was a whirlwind of vodka - induced emotion
Its really hard to take a shit when the dog wont stop trying to crawl into your lap
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