He cooked the food on a paper plate in the oven.
I'm too high to be shopping. I just contemplated deoderant for fifteen minutes. Now testing pillows
i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
So currently I have a block of cheese duct taped to my air conditioner in lieu of a fridge.
apparently the bartender would rather give me free shots than tell me that my whole nipple piercing was hanging out
Ok so I could say "im sorry"...but instead ill just say "unsupervised...jager...military guys...green school bus called the juice box...and HUGE dick"
Dont make this weird.... I was wondering if I could paper mache a few of your dildos this weekend?
She's a freaking stalker dude, it's like having some kind of cartoon animal just following around everywhere
Then you better bring Starbucks and a box of condoms in the morning.
Oh shit. This is getting real.
Dude I sat in the corner of the party bobbing my head and singing danger zone
so it turns out the huge bruises on my knees are from drunk bmxing and not getting railed from behind on the ground
and ill have you know that I only wiped out twice
when i woke up with 300+ messages I didn't except them to be about coyotes and burning shoes.
How do u ask ur friend if shes keeping her kid but in a chill way
I got arrested in a leprechaun onesie
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