I need to stop coming to work sober
I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
You told me to hold on because you had to barf like a dinosaur.
i feel this outfit says i'm better than you, but i might give you a handjob behind a building
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
as soon as I stop standing here with one leg up on my bathroom counter admiring my balls, I'm going to go tan. and then you may come over.
Is a 'Dr. Willy Fister Gynecologist' costume appropriate for work?
Right now I'm in a club where they are passing out glow in the dark dildos by the dozen. I don't think my life will ever get weirder than it is at this moment.
I've finally done it, I've downloaded some messenger lesbians like to use because some girl wanted to flirt.
Congrats, you're all grown up now.
I FEEL LIKE A GAY BUTTERFLY
I just realized I wasn't at the party anymore. I was just sitting there with a vacuum.
She's the prison bitch to my Martha Stewart.
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
I'm so high right now that I winked back at a character in this TV show.
What the hell do you do when your fuck buddy leaves to go for a piss naked and 20 minutes later hasn't come back and can't be found anywhere in the house or outside but has left his phone, tee shirt and shoes in your bedroom.
I don't think there is a pre defined social etiquette for a lost naked fuck buddy now roaming the streets.
Randomize
