i just went dwnstairs and there are 5 guys without their shirts on hugging each other. i think i should leave now
Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
Just saw a british exchange student take a flyer for free dental care. Yes.
you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
I was in holding with a guy that got a DUI on a hover round. He was so nice. We're hanging out tonight.
Uuh, dude you came running out of the bar screaming you didn't want to hear that song, ran face first into a truck, spun around 3 times and hit the sidewalk. I tried to catch you.
Rule #127: If your going to try fuck a married guy, you gotta be hotter then his wife; diet starts today.
The cops just showed up and arrested her. It's our 2nd date. Do I have to hang out her with her 3 kids until she makes bail or can I leave?
It was kinda hard to explain to his wife why there was chocolate syrup on the ceiling.
In times of desperation, never...NEVER put green apple scented hand sanitizer on your vagina.
Well if your hearts not big enough, your penis certainly is. Just have a threesome
ok so i got home drunk and was cleaning my kitchen and i was shaking out the throw rug and dropped it out the window, i'm sorry
YOURE A FUCKING ADULT. DONT TELL ME ITS PAST YOUR BEDTIME WHEN I WANT TO GET ANOTHER COCKTAIL.
I either have food poisoning or I'm pregnant. Either way, I NEED JESUS!
It seems I've entered my 21st birthday the same way I entered this world: naked, crying and smothered in someone else's bodily fluids...
Randomize
