don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
Wow, haven't had to deal with the 'stoned at the dinner table' scenario in a while
Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
2nd night home for break and we had to call the fire department to keep the house from burning down. At this rate I'll be lucky to see you next semester.
My roommate's all sad and is crying and the chick I want to bang is in the room and Nic Cage is on fire. What the fuck.
I legit just woke up on my couch, snuggled up next to some guy who's wearing my roommate's pink bathroble. What the fuck do they put in those shots?
So we have also come to the conclusion that slam piece Saturday's are the appropriate follow ups to find a husband Fridays
I woke up because a stranger was shoving an already lit bowl into my mouth. Spring break is awesome
I'm on the struggle bus
just ordered a number 1 at a fast food restaurant that doesn't have numbers
I bet it kind of sucks while you do community service I'm getting blown in the shower. haha
I could not handle jail. And my very angry parents.
I'm getting married
To pizza
my mom asked if I found my Easter basket. it's 1PM & I got home an hour ago from last night. if I'm looking for anything, it's my dignity.
Seriously. If I'd known all it took was a 29 year old UPS guy to make me feel THIS SEXY, I'd have been fucking them for 30 years.
How do you teach a grown ass men how to fuck? Why is good sex so hard to find these days?
Randomize
