There's a Cowboys game and a Rangers game on at the same time...talk about Sophie's choice
Been drinkin since 3, wearing a tutu, how could things go wrong
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
What do you think it is?
It's a boy. I know it. She always manages to have a cock inside her somehow.
$150 bar tab covered by these tits. That's now the going rate. Keeping my bra on during sex unless i see the Benjamins.
Sleeping with random people is the same as soul searching, right? Ps that wasn't a team name suggestion.
You know you need to take better care of yourself when shaving reminds you of sheep shearing...
Omg. The news was on TV while I was giving him a bj...when the weatherman said its a beautiful start to December, he groaned and said it sure is.
We're like adult pinky and the brain when they decided that taking over the world is unrealistic so they aim lower by trying to get drunk every day.
Do they sell "congrats in losing your virginity!" cards and do they come in gay?
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
Pussy, Peanut Butter Cookies,and Bubble Wrap
Oh. Why can't it be something easy, like a punch card for blowjobs?
I mean I'm completely serious and also drunk.
What a great combination.
It's OK, I woke up in a drag queen's bed last weekend. It took me forever to get the glitter out of my cleavage.
Randomize
