drank two beers while on the toilet at home during lunch break. new high or new low, not sure
We just picked up about 540 lbs of women....
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
Ate pizza for the 3rd time today, can't decide if that's disgusting or an amazing aspect of American culture.
I can't, I'm busy. I've been walking around Tokyo on google maps for an hour.
I don't know how it happened, one minute we were talking about Huck Finn, the next minute I was blowing him behind the corner of his apartment building.
Just thought i'd let you guys know that my dad was roofied at a lesbian bar last night...
dude, i warned you that using a card to pay for my hotel room was a bad idea. You deserve the extra $600 in cleaning fees
tell me why they applauded then the bartender locked himself in the bathroom when i walked into the bar today ????
You paid a stripper $40 to choke me out last night.
Wouldn't life be so much easier if you could just walk up to attractive men and say, "Let me bear your children" and it wouldn't be creepy?
Or possibly end in a restraining order?
I knew it was going to be a good night when my mom said "Have fun, be safe...wait, do you need any weed for tonight?"
I may or may not have definitely said the words "how do I put this beer in my purse without looking like an alcoholic" last night.
I just got a lecture from your coked out sister about the monetary value of Dothraki hair braids. Take her home.
MY GOD DAMN TV STOPS WORKING EVERY TIME I AM THIS FUCKING HIGH. WHY MUST IT TORMENT ME?!
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