Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
She passed out in my bed last night before anything happened. She felt really bad about that, so she gave me head when we woke up this morning.
Also, I'm sewing my entire Halloween costume by hand. I better get laid at every single party I go to.
i've hooked up with him and three of his roommates and not a single one of them knows about it..think its safe to say i found the silver lining in a boys inability to communicate
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
so far we have 6 big wheels and 10 boxes of wine for the tour de franzia. team drunkslut is favored to win the yellow jersey.
You are going to be so proud of me, I'm wearing underwear AND tights. That's two layers more than usual between my vagina and the world.
I got about 15 snapchats from you with your hand saying "you want cheese sticks" or something like that and one of some weird looking weed
I better not get a vid of you penile helicoptering
So I've been in more fights on one leg than I've had on two.
Well I just found a coupon for cheese in the bathroom so I've got that going for me
I think were only still together so we can make each other miserable
We were 69ing, but at an angle so we could both still watch Wall-E
A stripper set a mans ass on fire... the club smelled like burning ass and boxers.
It involves me, my best friend, and a stripper and her mother.
Randomize
