Ikea night.
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Insert tab A into swedish slot B
Found a phone last night. Hope "daddy" gets picture messages
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
dude, you cant keep using "she roofied me" as an excuse to bang all these fat chicks
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
Would it be inappropriate to rub one out in the gym shower? I mean, technically, I pay $80 a month to do what I want so could they really say anything?
Shower is fine. Steam room is shady. I've probably done both at one point in my life so I can't be used as a good reference.
Whatever she smells like compost and feathers.
I believe they call that patchouli.
He is what would appear if the douche troop all had rings and we summoned someone like the Captain Planet kids.
WHY AM I CRAWLING IN OLDER MEN HOLY JESUS
i peed in the parking lot at work not even thinking, a woman saw
this party is nice, but i have to go home and cry over anime in order to fill my daily quota of suffering
It's my birthday weekend! I'm getting a Brazilian and he's going to fucking Arkansas. Where the fuck are his priorities?
We single women of America need to make America great again by refusing to fuck anyone who supports Trump.
I'm writing to thank you for your never ending commitment to my orgasms and also to apologize if any physical harm was done due to your impressive efforts. Hopefully the sex and post sex pizza made up for it.
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
Randomize
