doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
Why is there a shirtless guy in Walgreens and why is he probably looking for the same thing I am?
he told me he wanted to get "words" tattooed on his penis so he could say hes always putting words in my mouth..
we could easily be the first people to smoke 3 bowls and pound a Four Loco before goin on a tour of the Tillamook cheese factory
I am seriously considering thanking Macallan 18 in my thesis acknowledgments.
He is now tagging himself in my pics from last year where he is barely visable in the corner. i feel like he's marking his territory.
Whatever, consider condoms an eighteen year investment.
I could probably save all of the money I would have spent on condoms and put a kid through college.
U can be a future sentaor's wife if you want. I'm happy with "closet lesbian", "tech prof".and "masters degree" all rolled into one. Drunken bar escapades pay off.
My walk of shame was four miles long and I had to stop for a water break. I am the picture of class.
"Fuck all you guys I'm going to be Cameltoe Spider-Man for Halloween."
I just put vodka in my apple sauce. Spice up your fucking life.
YOUR TO-DO SEX LIST CANNOT CONSIST ENTIRELY OF MY THREE BEST FRIENDS
and their significant others
AND THEIR SIGNIFICANT OTHERS
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
Nothing to be ashamed of. I bet Oprah has sharted.
at this point, i'm only going to therapy to get more free condoms
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