My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
I feel like I should I write an apology note to the frat for falling down stairs, passing out on the couch, and chugging the entire bottle of burnetts at semiforml last weekend. Apparently I was the main topic of discussion at their chapter meeting last night.
Just bonged a beer from a vuvuzela...this place is only doing good for me
Did I show you my penis last night?
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
The nurse who handed me my discharge papers underlined and highlighted do not consume alcohol while on my painkiller its like she knows me.
Can't decide if I want to watch full house or the fleet wood Mac concert during the presidential debate.
Oh and I'm kind of in the library.
Waiting for the foreign guy who keeps staring to make his creepy move.
YOU ARE SO GOD DAMN LOUD AND YOU'RE SHAKING THE GOD DAMN HOUSE. FUCKING STOP.
Sorry man, but I'd rather do drugs with strangers than watch sports with you. It's not personal, drugs always beat sports.
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
You challenged a dog groomer that she couldn't cut human hair ... How's the shaved head
My ex gave me head because she said she didn't enough when we were dating... Best ex ever? I think yes.
We free pour in this house. Measuring alcohol is for the weak
I’m excited to finally meet my stalkee and his penis!
Randomize
