Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
just drove past a church sign that said "jesus got 'er done" ... welcome to the south
just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
Whoa! I think of you when I eat cottage cheese.
just saw bouncers outside a coffee shop. beginning to question humanity.
you came home covered in oatmeal wearing a tutu holding a stolen wrotting pumpkin and "its a girl" balloons tied around your neck.you were whispering the lyrics to aaron carters 'aarons party'. i think the real question was what DIDNT you drink last night
2 classes, 3 finals, and $30 worth of adderall until this semester is over.
Green mimosas i think yes
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
Stripping out of my teacher clothes to Talk Dirty to Me. Who let me become a teacher?
First night of sleeping in the same bed, and she farted on me. I immediately excused myself and went home. Don't know if we're still together. Will update you.
I HAVE DISCOVERED LONDON AND IT FILLS ME WITH JOY
I am now picking what guy I will hang out with based on how many Pokémon they live near.
I miss painting strippers for Christmas. Holidays not the same without glitter and body paint
I'll be your substitute stripper tonight.
Randomize
