john hughes is dead. crushing any and all dreams of me ever being in an 80's john hughes film. bummer.
I got into my dads silver toyota in the back seat to get picked up and 2 mins later I asked my dad when are we leaving, then an old mexican woman turned around. wrong toyota I'm guessing.
i had a headache and asked the kid next to me for aspirin. he gave me esctacy instead. gotta love college.
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
It's happening again. I feel like I'm under water and my heart beat matches "Teenage Wasteland"
Sorry for punching you in the face last night. I should have known the boxing gloves were a bad idea from the start.
Wow. I grabbed the wrong container to rinse my contacts- it was a beer. And it comes out waaaay faster than saline.
Just so you know, a 6'7" tall gay man, with a martini in one hand and a fairy wand in the other, is not a force to be reckoned with...don't ask.
As my straight cousin I need you to answer a question. Are the Astros a baseball team, and if so, are they good? This is flirting related and time-sensitive.
I have to pee in a cup in the morning and they are going to say....you just peed a miller light. I'm going to hang my head in shame and say yes...yes I did.
I feel like a sex bomb and I need to go explode on somebody
Yeah, so, that moment when the repair guy comes in and you see your cock ring on the counter one second before he does.
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
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