dude, you're never picky with who you hook up with, have a little dignity
nah man, chicks are like pokemon, gotta catch \'em all
he let me wear his jacket and there was a magnum and a bowl in his pocket ... I think im in love
Yep. Just threw myself a bachelorette party with my coworkers penis before I re-enter the holy order of monogomous relationships.
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
Do you know what's great about Canada?..... There will always be a Tim Hortons on my walk of shame route
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection
Remember when there was a happier time when people could all hang out together with out the awkwardness of the fact that she stole $1000 and cheated on a brother with another brother !?!??
You kept running up to married couples, taking their pictures and begging for them not to get divorced
We could have a classy candlelight sonic dinner with fireball cocktails if you leave now. Twat tickler centerpieces.
I had to bail out of the tour de Franzia because I have class Saturday morning. Grad school is ruining my life
I've spent my afternoon dipping strawberries in DayQuil if that's any indication of where I'm at in life.
I apologize that you just fell victim to my random thought of how to make a blow job come to life via emojis.
My fuck buddy just proposed... Correct me if I'm wrong, but doesn't that completely defeat the purpose of FRIENDS with benefits?
Now you can be friends with Insurance Benefits.
Ok here's the plan: birth control, KFC, handcuffs.
Randomize
