I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
I just saw a sign that said "STRIPPERS!!! As seen on Jerry Springer!". As if Springer is the highest honor. I'm pretty sure we're in south Georgia.
I've done unspeakable things to your penis. I have every right to give it a name.
I want to apologize but I don't know how. Do I just say "sorry for OD'ing on your couch"? I think that just sounds weird.
The cops showed up and one of them got pushed in the pool. When he got out he looked really sad so I got him a towel and hugged him. He arrested all the underage drunkards but me.
I cried singing "call me maybe" on the way home from the bar. What the fuck
I have cobwebs on my vagina for halloween. And bats fly out when I open my legs.
Haha keeping the dream alive until Chinese New Year. I'm jobless with stitches in my face.
We got out of the car in valet drinking beers we gave the valet one as a tip
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
Of course I have to cross through a walk for hunger
She had like a side ponytail and hoop earrings though. And legwarmers. Like a horrible 80s nightmare. Don't drink and dream, dude.
I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
If y'all wanna know how far the apple fell from the tree I'm sexting during Easter service. Mom would be so proud 😳
Did we kick in my basement door last night?
Yes. I think you actually bought tennis shoes specifically for that application.
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