Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
you should just get pregnant. that way you don't need to decide on a career.
Pretty girls always come out on top. Or bottom. Whatever. Point is we come out with their boyfriends.
Second wave of rafting ended in a concussion. Don't worry though, the paramedic says it's still not considered a DUI.
Just threw up in the waiting room. I can't believe I have to switch dermatologists again.
I figured it out. If I have at least 4 shots of vodka before I start my day, EVERY day will be a good day.
Nothing says "I Love you" like my dick in a pizza box
THIS IS A TERRIBLE REWARD FOR NOT GETTING PREGNANT.
I'm going to sleep with this bank teller and I'm going to enjoy it, just try and stop me
I'm about to make existential crisis tacos.
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
i feel like i shouldn't just had to send a text that said "no i will not eat your ass"
I wish there were more things in this world as wonderful as string cheese
Surriously
Do you remember seeing anyone put a "my other penis is a vagina" bumper sticker on my car?
Randomize
