normally I beat off every night before I go to bed even though my little brother sleeps in the same room. So I was starting to last night, and he jumped out of bed and said "Fuck, Im not listening to this shit again" We havent talked since. fuck me
there was a guy who was being paid to stand outside of Abercrombie without a shirt on... normally i would be okay with this but he was 40...
He snuck out of bed at 9 am and came back with pizza and a bottle of wine. I think I'm in love!
The question is do I invite my fuck buddy to my graduation party now that my girfriend found out about her?
Babe when I told you that you needed to grow up I didn't mean get drunk and sponsor 8 African kids.
He said he wanted to go to France " just to piss in the nice areas". I want to fuck him.
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
I have so many plans for this weekend and sobriety is not invited.
Let's play another riveting game of "Whose boxers are hanging on my fence?"
He fell asleep on top of me after sex. For 3 hours. Poor guy worked too hard.
I feel like I'm in high school again. I'm completely sober and I just gave some guy a handjob to completion.
You know it was a good night when visa fraud prevention services are calling
Puked in my purse on my Uber ride home last night. Safe to say it's not a good idea to beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
I canceled a date last night to eat pop tarts and go to bed early
Intoxication Level: I'm as graceful and flawless as a fucking dinosaur.
Randomize
