I may not go down in history, but i will definitely go down on your little sister.
I need a booty call who doesn't know my boyfriend or my friends.
He keeps the condoms in his bible. I guess stairs or elevator, we're getting to hell one way or another.
If i spent $300 & took that thing home i would hate myself today.
I gave myself a pep talk in the library bathroom mirror. and then threw up in the sink.
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
My contribution to the dinner party was a bottle of vodka and a bag of uncooked potatoes. I felt like a Russian serf.
I woke up five hours later with a mouthful of Jimmy John's while clinging to my sandwich.
Nothing says love like couples STD testing
Nothing says breakup like the results
Sometimes I get in situations where I realize they think I'm smarter than I am and then it's just one more thing I have to fake.
I'm about to be a big disappointment.
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
Idk what's worse.... Yesterday not waking up in my bed or today waking up in the hello kitty gown.
they were drunk. and loud. and now they're drunk and quiet. or dead, you never know.
I never thought I'd be judging my neighbors sex lives before age 30 but here we are
I can't believe the MLB is making the NHL look good.
Randomize
