I hope you have a really shitty weekend. I love you.
I'm eating all of the evidence.
rolled in at 7am w/ 2 girls i met at the strip club. my neighbor was getting up to mow the lawn before he took his kids to school. i'm 31. he's younger. if given the chance, you think he'd want to switch places?
I am not hooking up with him just to see what his penis looks like.
after a few more beers I realized that both my wife and I like Latin men.
She asked me how I live with myself. I told her one night at a time.
I'm sorry the first time we hungout you had to witness me throw up in the ocean then army crawl to shore.
Things I can say. There is a photo of me pouring whipped cream into a midgets mouth.
the paramedics asked what clubs id be in next weekend so they can plan ahead.
At our floor meeting the RA was talking about bathroom hygiene and I really wanted to be like "what about shower sex."
Valid question
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
He said that he doesn't like skittles. This relationship is over an it hasn't even started yet.
It was all fun and games until she said "you're so pretty I wanna punch you in the face" and the proceeded to punch her in the face
We're gonna start a pole dancing competition or a bar fight. Stand by for results.
I did a trust fall off the bar and then almost got into a knife fight over a push up competition. Just another Tuesday.
Randomize
