Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
Shaving your vagina at 8 months pregnant is not an easy chore.
tequila makes me forget i have legs
i think its awesome that according to your mom i'm your friend that caught on fire.
the only compliment i could think of for this chick was that she looked 'moderately attractive'
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
I suppose drinking a cosmo at lunch alone can't look good but I mean... sometimes it's just necessary
Freshman ate returning to campus. Let Operation Slut Storm commence.
Ice cream: Good. Fraternity: Good. Eating ice cream off a Skid Row bum's ass crack in order to get into a Fraternity: Homoerotic at best. I quit.
I can't answer my phone I'm at work
I slept with a male stripper last night. Priorities
Once you've seen a girl stick a snake in her snatch normal stuff seems like Barney and friends
YOU GAVE HIM A BLOWJOB ON YOUR DOORSTEP?!
I just drove my booty call to his booty call, if that isn't spreading the love, I don't know what is.
i feel like when you brought up the possibility of you getting pregnant the sexting is over
If it's any consolation, I made really strong brownies yesterday and had 3 and then I saw demons
Randomize
