At least make sure they are 18
Why
never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
I don't think there's a better bc pill reminder then when teen mom comes on
I like when I have the chance to say normal things like 'I know her from college' vs 'I did a ton of blow with her one night at Studio B.'
i actually pissed myself from laughing when I saw the old man in lingerie carrying a spiderman purse. I dont know if he was real or if it was the tequila, but my head hurts.
iphones do not disturb setting is the biggest cock block to my 3am booty calls
Find a vagina and bring it to me. Like feeding a tiger.
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
I've only hooked up with engineers this year and it may be the best future financial decision I've ever made
Hey! How are you feeling? Still preferring soup over sex?
We could never date. He doesn't drink and he won't bring me tacos after sex. He's on that healthy life bullshit.
Unintionally got shitfaced at study group this week. The waitress brought out a fishbowl of long Island iced tea. Challenge accepted.
I shouldn't have to tell you to stop throwing knives at me.
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
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