i just saw a foot job.
porn is incredible...
then i got kicked out of the bar for trying to pay my $30 bar tab in sacajawea dollar coins
They have edible shot glasses at target.
There really is a God.
Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...
What?!
Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
come in to starbucks and ill make you a 4loko latte before theyre banned
Ya these assholes wanted to like sit around and eat cupcakes and watch the notebook. I was like fuck you, I want to go make some people uncomfortable in public.
He made me brush his hair afterwards because it made him feel like a ken Barbie.
God I hope the sex was good.
The only thing I remember last night was feeding my dog 4 McDoubles.
I have nothing to say other than the obvious 'we probably shouldn't have done that' and the less obvious 'i think you bruised my labia major' ...?
" my drug dealer just stopped by and did an elmo impression for my 2 year old nephew."
After I asked for my 6th Gin & Tonic, the look on the flight attendant's face started to make me feel bad about myself.
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
You wouldnt listen to us when we told you there was no place that was selling girlscout cookies at 4:30am...
I am a unicorn in a field of flowers, you asshole.
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