the level of his annoyance + every insult he makes = the closer I am to telling him im fucking his ex
and i forgot to tell you that my armpit hair is now completely grown back. man i love winter.
I will fuck him senseless, no need for a priest.
I only have one eye to read your texts because I just stabbed one out after reading that last text.
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
She pulled a wad of lint out of my bellybutton while she was blowing me. Said she's never seen anything like it. I've never gone soft so fast.
He thinks he's a sex addict. Just. My. Type.
No if my life depended on you fingering me just let me die
Eye drops are like seatbelts of being high. Think about it
I'm about to take my 7th shot and I have to to go to dinner with my grandma in an half hour. What is my life.
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
Adulthood is making your own puke bucket.
Of all of my friend's husbands, I like when yours hits on me best
Awe that means so much to us
idk how many shots you took between 2:39 and 3:05, but your message went from "Please text me tomorrow." to "Why you sto textom?"
I'm going to come in the middle of the night and attack you with spoons
Why is my belly button ring in my ear
Randomize
