do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
He told me he could read braille... with his tongue. So I took him home. I don't think he was lying
grilled cheese. we just shotgunned grilled cheese.
My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."
no. you're not making a beach trip out of my abortion.
Slept on the counter again. Mom covered me in an apron.
Just woke up with a blunt in each nostril and a lighter duct taped to my chest...good lookin out
I lost a little respect for your boyfriend when I learned that he has a scar from a Cheerio.
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
Might I also add after my boss threw up in the garbage can and yelled puking rally, he dougied, then told me I wasn't about that life.
BTW, Julia referred to you as a power bottom. Are you available?
i refuse to take responsibility for eating Chuck E Cheese pizza and having any other repercussions than the shits.
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
I need more 20 something year old penis in my life
His dick is social distance approved
Social distance approved?
big enough for me to fuck from six feet away
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