cutting back on calories before spring break by only taking shots instead of drinking actual drinks.
the diet of an alcoholic...
i'll never see her again. i cant remember her last name. this is like cinderella except prince charming drank too much jameson and couldnt save a phone number properly
I don't think I own any pants that haven't seen his bedroom floor anymore...
did i walk over a car last night?
No, I'm in the bathroom trying to scrub off the 16 tally marks on my wrist so its not so obviously to the world that I puked on a couch last night.
I will now refer to my life as before and after I used Astroglide for the first time
You need to come over. I cant get her to stop eating honey mustard straight from the squeeze bottle
Why does She think it's her duty to welcome in freshman through the welcome mat that is her vagina
Also, your vagina needs a time out and let your brain have a chance to make decisions.
As a fat white girl from Texas I can honestly say that she gave fat white girls from Texas a bad name.
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
Day 1 of the Fuck Your Ex weekend has been productive. Already boned Steph and we're both still glad we arnt together anymore.
did you know the cops in wilco have clean up kits in their cars for when people puke in them? i found this out this morning. i'm finishing paperwork now. come get me plz?
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
IF THE SUNS NOT EVEN OUT THEN WHY IS HIS DICK OUT WTF
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