Haha so you are never gonna want to meet my mom now...she just found your thong in her front seat
Standing here next to my mom talking to my friend trying to act like he doesn't sell me E every weekend.
I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
I want to punch and suck your dick at the same time. I don't think we have the healthiest of relationships.
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
If you're wondering about the pepper everywhere its for the ants and it was my doings. They hate pepper. You're welcome.
she's crying and begging for her chapstick and insisting on walking home...her every thursday ritual
I have had more skin than food in my mouth the last three days
She started puking and I started running and I swear to god there was a wave of vomit chasing me down the stairs.
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
if I see a bottle of vodka right now I'll probably throw up gum I swallowed when I was a kid
Is it bad of me to apply as a night shift counselor at a boys orphanage purely because of how laid that would get me at bars?
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
I dressed up as a breathalyzer test for Halloween; never had so many straight dudes blow me before!
And then he said, "let's have sex and I'll send you home with enchiladas."
Randomize
