College reaches a new low. We just carved a shot glass out of a potatoe.
You were wearing a sombrero. And a crown. And told me to use the nerf gun to protect your room from the cat. You don't have a cat.
No one actually likes Tequila. They just accept it as a fact of life. Like hpv.
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
Just remembered seeing jalepenos in my vomit last night. Reminded me to thank you for sharing your queso with me. You're a good friend.
On the one year anniversary of me loosing my virginity... thousands of people will be taking their pants of on subways all around the world
It's like a tribute to you being a slut
I had to rip your toilet paper for you...
Is it rude to ask for an autograph after giving him a blowjob in their hotel's hot tub?
Dude you chased a girl around the yard and then fell over the curb. Face first. You got up on your own tho so you reached champion status
just saw a sign in the bar that says "no more naked fridays". Where the fuck was I on these naked fridays?
No other awkward car ride can beat the one you give your drug dealer home.
They were out of soap so you started calling yourself a dirty bitch
He was like 120 lbs and 20 of that was penis
Plus we had to have sex before the game because there is a good chance we won’t be speaking for the rest of the week. #ironbowl
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
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